More and
more of my firemen friends are retiring, this is the result of hiring large
recruit academies in the early 80’s. I have gone to a few retirement parties to
wish my friends well in retirement land and to see other retirees, it's the only place we see each other.
Retirement parties
serve many different purposes outside of the larger event the retirement itself.
I wasn’t going to allow my crew to have a party on my behalf for a few reasons.
First because of how I came to retire, retirement wasn’t actually in my plans,
in fact I left 5 years ahead of my schedule due to my alcoholism.
I won’t
retell that whole story but suffice it to say that I showed up to work hung over
smelling of alcohol and was asked to retire rather than be fired. Because of
that I didn’t have a lot of pride left in at the end of my career. In fact I
suffered massive guilt and shame in the end.
So why
would anyone want to come say good bye to me? I was a drunk and got caught at
work, no honor in that I told myself. I didn’t want to suffer what I had seen
others go through simply because of what others thought of them. I worked with
one fireman that had put in his 25 years and was going. He didn’t want a party
and so we honored his request and on his last day after all that time passed
quietly.
So quietly that
the only person that did show for the non-party was a Deputy Chief and he was
the operations Chief as that. The Chief rolled in on his motorcycle on a hot
summer day, we were all in the kitchen having just finished lunch when he
walked in. He was in street clothes and very nonchalant about his visit.
I offered
the Chief a drink of water and after a few minutes of light banter he reached
in his pocket and carelessly pulled out a small leather billfold and flipped it
across the table to “Blue” the fireman that was serving his last day after 25
years and said.
“There you
go Blue, congratulations.”
Blue picked
up the small billfold and opened it, it held a small gold badge and that was
that. The Chief finished his water and was gone. I thought to myself is that
it? After all those years, all that hard work, that is how he was shown the
door.
The other
style of party required a facility bigger than a firehouse, it required a hotel
sometimes or maybe the Elks Club. Oh and it was a big deal, dignitaries of all
sort showed for these, there was much speechifying, gift giving and drinking. This
type of party was usually reserved for the gold badges. You would have to of
been one hell of a lowly fireman to rank a party like that.
So I wasn’t
going to expose myself to that kind of public ridicule. I wasn’t going to let
anyone kick me on the way out the door, because I knew how many people I had
let down and how many people were going to be glad to see me go. I felt so
worthless at the end of my career that my actions had canceled out every bit of
good I had ever done.
I was so
selfish and full of self loathing at that point I just wanted to fade away like
old Blue did. What a terrible feeling that was and I remember speaking about it
in an AA meeting. Following the meeting I was pulled aside by a former Army
Ranger.
“Tim can I
tell you something?” He asked.
“Sure Dave,
what?” I answered.
“Well I
heard what you had to say today about your retirement party and I felt compelled
to say something about that. That party isn’t for you Tim. It’s for them, it’s
for the people you worked with to be able to come say good bye and to honor
your service.” He said.
“It will be
to embarrassing Dave, nobody will come.” I said.
“That is
where you are wrong Tim. The ones that love you and respect you, they will come
because they remember what you have done over the years. This thing is for them
and if you don’t do it you will always regret it my friend. Just my two cents
worth, but if I were you, I’d do it, for them not you.” He shook my hand,
winked and walked away.
I respect Dave
immensely and so I took his advice and had a party, not for me, for them. The day
of my party came and my guys at station 7 “The Hero House” were really kind and
had arranged an amazing celebration for me. I sat around nervously waiting for
it, to happen.
At the
appointed time the first guest to arrive was my very first Lieutenant, he
walked in the kitchen and I wondered why this guy was there, I hadn’t seen him
for probably 20 years and I was just a probie for him. Why would he be there?
“Hicks Bob
what are you doing here?” I asked. We had always said his name backwards Hicks
Bob, instead of Bob Hicks.
“Aren’t you
retiring today TimO? He asked.
“Well ya I
am.” I said.
“Well that’s
why I’m here for your retirement.” He said.
He came
over and shook my hand and we visited for a few moments, until more and more
firemen began to fill the kitchen and the whole firehouse. There were too many
of them to spend a great deal of time with each one.
I was
stunned, I really was. In my head I had expected to endure a small gathering
that would have to eat too much cake and ice cream to prevent it from going to
waste.
As I moved
around and visited with so many old faces I felt like I was in a Museum of Firefighting
History. There were so many greats in the crowd, the men that had “boot
strapped” me through my very difficult early years. The men that had given me
so much and taught me enough to stay alive.
I was
absolutely blown away, why would these guys come for me? Then I had to think,
if the best I had ever known came to wish me well maybe I wasn’t the piece of
shit I viewed myself to be. Maybe I had done some good, maybe I had made a contribution
to the job I loved so well.
I was also
reminded that we only rent the firehouses we occupy during our career. We are temporary
inhabitants and we will soon be forgotten it is our destiny to make room for
the next batch of heroes to come and take our place. To save the next life and
fight the next fire.
I am so
glad I did it.
