I am alone, a lot; I miss the firehouse and the boys and the laughter and the distraction from my life, my lonely life. My divorce destroyed me and put me back in the bottle and opened the door for the Grim Reaper to become my drinking buddy. He showed up every day to keep me company, we became close friends me and Grim.
I just didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care to live, I wasn’t trying to kill myself as I have done with purpose before. This was just flat surrender; I had thoughts of reasons to stay alive. Three beautiful children that need me, need a dad even if that dad is me. A family and wide circle of amazing friends, not that I felt those people needed me.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and normal people have not a clue of what we suffer at our own hands. The tremendous pain most of us carry is unknown even to we the suffers of this strange disease. I knew the immediate source of my pain, my divorce, my lost family, my lost dreams, and a terrible guilt for what had happened. Oh and by the way I had been sober for seven years at the time of my divorce.
But that was the tip of a gigantic iceberg, most of my pain was my own creation. It hadn’t been given to me by anyone, not really. I created it, on some level I wanted it. It made me a martyr in my own mind. Why did I want to be a martyr? Did being a martyr make me feel better, it must have, why pursue it if not?
AA teaches how to do the hard work of discovering these demons, of dragging them into the sunlight of the spirit. I have no one to blame, I have forgiven in my heart all that used to hold power over me, I’m a clean slate. Great news! Now what?
Life persists, my children are back with me, my book and other endeavors are progressing well, I have no regrets haunting me from that dark past. Yet I continue to be alone. By choice for the most part, I have a desire to change the situation, but not the will. I’m not at risk of drinking anymore at least not today. I have the utmost trust in my God to guide me and his company is fulfilling.
But I miss a soft touch, I miss a pair of interested eyes, a genuine smile a smile that only I get to see, an open ear open to my words, thoughts, dreams and secret and knowing those words would stay safe. I miss intimacy, romance, the electricity of attraction. I miss noticing a new haircut, a new pair of shoes, the way those jeans fit, an unrequested offering of affection. I miss kissing, spooning, holding hands, having a joke only we know. I miss, missing someone, wondering what they are doing, waiting for them. I miss that comingling of life forces that shared purpose, I miss it all.
I know I am a deeply flawed man but I’m working on that. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a reference to a specific relationship in my past, these are words about life, my life, the things I have found pleasing and whose absence makes it presence felt all the more deeply. If that makes sense.
It’s not a hole, or a void, it’s a terrible thick scab. I am worthy, I’m kind, funny, easy on the eyes, not a bad catch. But my trust is tiny seed now and some days it is that feeling that a shipwreck survivor must feel. Being so thirsty in a boat surrounded by water. So I will trust my God, and let him make that choice for me.
My apologize for not trying to make you laugh today, I just wanted to say this today.