Monday, January 2, 2012

First baby delivery!

There is a strange weather phenomena in Colorado and maybe elsewhere associated with child birth, an Albuquerque low we call it or used to call it until Albuquerque got mad I heard. Anyway a low pressure cell parks itself over what is now referred to as the four corners area, I guess no one lives in four corners or those that do don't care what we call weather.

When this set of circumstances comes into play women that are really ready to give birth, do. See the lowered atmospheric pressure pisses babies off I guess, never had one myself,  and they want to bail out of the womb. An additional problem with these storms is in the winter they bring a shit load of snow with them, which makes giving birth while driving on snow packed streets even more difficult, women are such babies themselves when giving birth. So instead of cowboy'n up and driving to the hospital they call 911 and have us come get the baby.

My first experience with this was when I was 19 years old and had been a fireman for a very short period of time. The department I worked for was very small and only two of us were on duty at night and the guy I worked with didn't care to get up at night, even on good nights. so I went by myself on most calls.

This particular night a call came in for an emanate birth. "You take it" my partner said "and if you need help call me". Dispatch told me that "a woman was alone at home and giving birth, the front door was open so just go right in."

Okay how hard could this be? I mean women have been giving birth for centuries without the help of 911 and paramedics right?

The house was a mansion, just huge. I sloshed through the wind and blinding snow to the door, cracked it open and stepped in. Silence! "Hello" I called out wondering if I should take off my shoes. "Back here" I heard. I tracked the voice to a bathroom.

In the tub was a half naked woman, the working half was exposed and it was working. I don't mean to be crude here, but in my recollection this was in fact the first time I had seen a vagina in real life, and it didn't look anything like what Playboy had showed me.

She had her legs splayed over the sides of the tub, she was sweating, she was loud, and red. Quit scary for my teenage eyes. I froze and considered running away. What the hell was this? "oh good" she said. Good what good God I thought.

This was not how I had imagined it, in fact I had never imagined this. Who imagines this? A teenage boy, a pregnant woman, a winter storm, a bath tub, and this bulging hairy apparition before me.

I freaked, I started running around the room screaming "Boil the water! Get the towels! or something to this effect. She calmly, between contractions snagged my hand in a very tight grip.

"Now look" she said. "I'm gonna need your help with this." She was patting and rubbing the back of my hand like a comforting mother, which she was this was her fifth. "It's gonna be fine", just then another contraction hit and she crushed my hand. "Oh no!" I said, as my eyes fixed on some additional hair becoming visible down there.

"Get the baby" she barked. "Let go of my hand" I said. She did and I moved in to position. This should not be a boys first experience with what I had been trained to think was the happiest place in the world. Because at the moment I never wanted to see one of these things again.

Apparently babies come out faster the more the path to the exit has been used. This kid wasn't waiting for a doctor, an ambulance, or even for me to breath. Like a watermelon seed this kid came out, just wham baby.
I caught her before she bounced off the porcelain more out of athletic experience than safety concerns.

Beautiful she was, a little slippery and noisy, but beautiful. After that one I had the opportunity to assist in the births of eight more over my career. Oh by the way she was in the tub for easy clean up, real thoughtful woman she was. God bless her!


Artful Communication - k~ said...

LOL, this was a funny experience to have as a "first", but I do love never-befores and this one is certainly no exception! Too funny Tim, too damned funny!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I just read your post to hubby. He blanched, then laughed.

Jeanne Beltinck said...

That was so much fun to read. Felt like I was there watching. Good for you.

Jo said...

Bless your heart! At 19, though I am a girl, not sure I'd have been up for that and I had already had one of my own!
Great job!

Come join us a GBE2...I'd love to read more.

Laura Rogers said...

You poor young man. Oh well atleast you learned life is great and tough at the same moment

Fireman said...

You guys are all great, Sorry being an old slow fireman i just found I could respond. So Laura Rogers, Jo, Jeanne Beltinck, Gene Pool Diva and you Rain. Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

Excellent! Our firstborn showed up during a blizzard (we made it to the hospital, though) and then 18 months later, our twins made their arrival just before all hell broke loose and the tornado was so close that all the new moms had to wheel our babies into the hospital's hallway and pray that their first day wouldn't be their last.

Fireman said...

Welcome word nerd